Silent All These Years
by Sweetest Little Jazz Killer
Summary: Radar remembers a night in Henry's office. A night that brought a deep impact with it. Slash.


Disclaimer: Completely not mine.

Author: Sweetest Little Jazz Killer

Title: Silent All These Years

Feedback: Yes please! gothicdiamonds@hotmail.com is your ticket.

Archive: If you're interested, do ask. 

Warnings: None really.

Notes: My first Henry/Radar piece. I love these two to bits but stories for them are so hard to find. Feedback (as long as it's nice) would be greatly appreciated. The title is the name of a Tori Amos song. 

  


Silent All These Years

The memory really is a funny thing. Here I am, thirty-eight years old, married with three lovely kids and he's still here, haunting my memory.

I was only eighteen at the time you must remember, I had already lost my father and I hadn't been expecting to lose my second father figure. In a way you could say I was losing him at the time, aster all, he was going back to the States to his wonderful wife and three great kids and I was staying in Korea. Without him.

He never said just how much he cared about me, it was just something I could feel. Sometimes it was such a strong feeling that it almost physically knocked me over. It was a feeling of lonlieness mixed with a bit of lust and a lot of protectiveness. But it was all unspoken. Shown at times, with small gestures every now and again but never actually spoken. But as they say, actions speak louder than words. Okay. Maybe it wasn't all unspoken. There was that night in his office. He'd been drinking rather heavily that night. It must have been bad news from home, it must have been, though I still don't know. I came in and found him crying and mumbling about something at home. I thought it would be best for him to sleep it off in his tent. I managed to drag him out of his chair with him crying the whole time. Then he started talking to me.

"Radar...oh Radar...I'm so glad you're here...I gotta tell you something..."

I didn't answer him, I was too busy trying to get him out of there.

"Radar, I know I don't say a whole lot to you but, but...kid, you're really a lifeline to me. Really, you are. You've helped me out of more fixes than I can name and I still don't tell you anything, but I'll tell you now....Radar, you mean _a lot_ to me, you really do. And I'm not just saying that, you do."

I was starting to get that feeling of his again. Only this time, I was having a similar feeling. 

"If I do this now she'll never know..."

"Sir I really think you should go back to your tent and-"

I was stopped by the fact that he was still crying on me–and pressing his lips right on my cheek.

If it had been anyone else I would have shoved them away and ran away fast. But I didn't push him away. I let him get on with it.

The feeling was so intense that I really did almost fall over then.

He stopped, then looked at me with watery gin eyes. 

"I...I just thought you'd want to know."

Then he passed out. The next morning I didn't mention it. Or any other time. It never happened again. He probably didn't even remember.

The night before he left I wanted to tell him that I knew how he felt about me. How much he cared but he never said it. How I could feel just how much he did care. I wanted to ask him if he could remember the kiss. 

When I saw him getting on his chopper I felt both happy for him and sad for myself. Happy for him because he was finally getting what we all wanted; to go home to his family and sad for myself because I'd miss him so much. 

Four hours later I received a phone call. 

"M*A*S*H 4077th, Corporal O'Reilly."

"Put me through to your CO, I have a message for him."

"Sorry, he's in surgery sir. I can take the message though."

"All right kid. We just received word that Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan. There were no survivors." At those words the person on the other end hung up.

For a moment I wasn't sure if I hadn't just misheard the entire conversation. I knew I hadn't and that I had to tell the others. I hung up and shuffled into the OR.

I barely remember telling the others that Henry was gone for good. I only remember dragging myself back to my cot and crying silently the whole night.

Henry was gone and I didn't even find out if he remembered that night. 

_Did you Henry? Did you think of me at all before your plane was shot down? Did you have the faintest recollection of that night? Of those feelings you had? Did you know that I knew? _

Probably not.__

_If you had, would you have told me?_

Frank Burns took over as CO for the next month. He never said a word to me about Henry nor did he ask me how I felt. I still don't know how I felt about his lack of interest. Soon Colonel Potter came to replace Henry and Frank as CO.

At first I was nervous and shy around him. He seemed nice enough but he gave off an air of athourity and strict mannerisms that I was uncustomed to.

Eventually I got used to his way of running things and I discovered how friendly he was. He was a good commander and a nice person but he wasn't Henry Blake. At times I both hated and loved this. I hated it because I had gotten used to his way of running things for almost two years and now I had to get used to an entirely new system and I loved it because I didn't have such a sharp reminder of Henry, his feelings toward me or how much I missed him.

At times I wondered how hard it must have been for his family. It must have been a shock to know first that he was coming home and then to find out the next day that you'll never see him again.

Of course, I found out what it was like to lose a family member soon enough.

I had gotten a pass to Tokyo for two weeks of R&R. I spent two great weeks there; I partied (a little, I got drunk twice and swore off parties for the rest of my life), visited my first bathouse (I got so embarrassed by the fact that girls and guys went in there I never went back) and I tried my first piece of sushi (the second time I got drunk, I think they soaked the fish in that fancy rice beer they served with it). 

When I got to the Kimpo airport the next day my flight was delayed. I was panicking because if I didn't get back on time I'd be AWOL. So I sat down and got to talking with a very nice nurse. Her name was Patty Haven and she was on her way home to Missouri. We talked for hours until the flight connector had found me another connection. I hated to leave, I had wanted to buy Patty breakfast and stay with her until her flight was ready. 

We said we'd look each other up when I got home and I headed for my plane. Then she and I kissed goodbye.

Kissed goodbye. I know this must sound strange, the shy and quiet company clerk of the 4077th actually kissing a girl goodbye rather than shaking her hand or stammering out a fast goodbye then running off but Patty was different that most of the other girls I'd known. She and I had a lot in common, rather than me trying to get to know her and she having only one thing on her mind. 

When I got back I was immediately badgered by everyone to help find them a new generator and fast. I tried my best but my best just wasn't good enough. Then, later that night Colonel Potter called me into his office.

"Son I'm afraid I've got some bad news."

I thought about what that news could be, the worst of it being that they were reassigning me to another unit or that I was in trouble for not having located a generator soon enough.

"Am I in trouble sir?"

"No Radar, I'm afraid it's bigger than that."

I looked at him curiously.

"I got a wire today from your mother. I'm sorry to have to tell you this Radar but your Uncle Ed passed away yesterday."

For a moment I felt like I'd been verbally slapped. No...this couldn't be happening again...could it?

I just sat there in silence. I nodded once to show that I'd heard but I said nothing.

"Radar, I'm truly sorry for your loss."

I barely heard him. All I could think of was how I'd now lost my second father figure and in only a few months. 

I knew I couldn't let anyone else see how upset I was, I had to keep myself cool and normal. 

  


Colonel Potter had put a call through to Ottumwa so I could talk to Ma. When he handed me the phone I said, "Hello? Ma?"

Her sad sounding voice came on then. "Walter? Walter dear, is that you?"

"Yeah Ma, you'll have to speak up, there's a lot of static on my end!"

"I suppose your CO told you already?"

"Yeah. How did he go Mom?"

"Heart attack, just like your father. Came on real sudden too. We were having dinner when all of a sudden he fell out of his chair and started grabbing at his chest. I got the doctor over there as fast as I could but by the time we got there he was gone."

"When's the funeral?"

"Tomorrow! Everyone's coming, you know how everyone loved your Uncle Ed. We're burying hum next to your dad."

"Ma, how are you going to look after the farm without him?"

"I talked to Mr. Jenkins next door, he's going to help me out until I can get started alone."

I realized my time was almost up so I said quickly, "Ma, take care of yourself! I've got to go now."

"All right son, keep after yourself and don't worry about me! I'll be fine, I need to start moving around again! I love you."

"I love you too Ma." Then the line went dead. 

Moments later I recevied another shock. They were sending me home.

That night I laid in bed crying very quietly, just like I had done when Henry had died.

Why did I keep losing the father figures in my life? I had already lost my father when I was little, did I have to keep losing his replacements? Was it me? Was it a jinx on me? Or just the factors of a bad heart and a war?

I went home two days later. I went back to being Walter Eugene O'Reilly, Edna O'Reilly's son. 

Her son who had fallen for his dead commanding officer.

After I went home I found it easier to admit to myself that the feelings Henry had for me had been very mutual on my end. Why had I not been able to admit it to myself when he had been alive? Maybe because I had been a dumb little kid who had always expected to be able to tell him how much he cared. Maybe because I thought Death wouldn't have grabbed him from us so soon.

Or maybe because I had been afraid.

Several months later I looked Patty up on a trip to Missouri. I had been on my way to pick up some tractor parts and I had met her getting the exact same parts. We got to talking and just like before we barely noticed how late it was getting until I looked out the window and saw that it had gotten dark. I had to get back but it had gotten too dark to drive home. Patty suggested I stay the night at her family's farm. I agreed and her parents let me stay in a guest bedroom.

That night I dreamed about Henry. I dreamed we were walking side by side in a field and we were talking.

_"I see you've gotten yourself a girl Radar!"_

_"Oh, not really sir. She's just a friend I met on the way back from R&R."_

_"Take care of her Radar. Maybe one day you'll marry her."_

_"Sir, can I ask you something?"_

_"Provided it isn't about my wife's spending habits. Shoot."_

_"That night in your office...you told me I meant an awful lot to you and then you...you kissed me."_

He looked thoughtful for a moment. Then he grinned at me.

_"Kid, you were something special to me. Always would be too."_

_"Well sir, I just thought you might want to know...you mean the same way to me."_

He smiled at me. Then he leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on my cheek.

"_I miss you a lot Henry. A lot."_

_"Well Radar, I'm sure there's a lot of that going around_."

I started to say something but he cut me off.

"_Radar, it's okay to miss me! Just don't let it hang on you for the rest of your life. You didn't kill me so don't feel so horrible. Live a little, okay? Have fun, get drunk and live for you, not me!"_

_"Okay sir."_

I've had that dream so many times over the years. In every one of them he always tells me to live for me and not for him.

Of course that's not easy to do when you're in love after eighteen years.

Patty and I soon began to see each other in a more serious way and soon we were dating. Mom loved Patty right off and told her she was welcome to the O'Reilly farm anytime.

One evening when Patty came to visit I asked her if we could go for a walk by ourselves. We walked down the road and sat in my pickup truck. I held her hand and she smiled at me. 

I asked her to marry me then.

I sat there for a moment, terrified that she would say no and run away. But she didn't. Instead she kissed me and said yes.

We were married in the same chapel my parents had been married in. Everyone in Ottumwa came, just like for my Uncle Ed's funeral. After the ceremony Patty and I slipped off to our honeymoon in Hawaii for a couple of weeks. When we came home we moved in with my mother and helped her out on the farm until we could find a place of our own.

A year later we moved to Des Moines where I got work as a vet's aide and Patty got work as a secretary. We had a small apartment and not much money but we had a wonderful marriage. Every summer we went home to visit my mother and we'd stay for a few weeks before going back to Des Moines. We both enjoyed this but we had one understanding: that every July I would take an overnight trip to Bloomington, Illinois. Patty continually asked me why and I wouldn't tell her why, I would just tell her I had to visit a friend. She let me go without complaint and never asked me why I came home with such a melancholic mood. 

Later when we had our first daughter and it was time for me to leave she demanded to know why. I told her it was just to see an old friend. She no longer excepted this excuse but accused me of seeing another woman. I told her she was totally off the mark and that it was none of her business. 

When I left for Bloomington I thought about what she had said. Why was I still making the same pilgrimage there every year? What was it giving me, other than bittersweet memories of a time long since gone? Was it worth being accused of being unfaithful just to satisfy my feelings?

After that I didn't go back for three years, during which we had two more children, both daughters. Patty didn't mention it during those years and neither did I. Eventually I stopped going all together, just to please Patty. The topic was never mentioned in the house and we never told the girls.

Some nights I wondered if maybe I should tell Patty about Henry and the feelings we kept between us. I always decided against it, in fear that she wouldn't understand and would throw me out.

I knew my feelings for him would never go away, no matter how many times I tried to forget. Call it a war scar if you will, though love can hardly be called a scar. Ours could though. A love for a man long gone from my life but whom I couldn't stop loving even if I tried, I would call that a scar. Wouldn't you?

My feelings for him never would leave me, not until death, and even then they wouldn't be gone, they'd just be silent for all eternity. Just like they'd been silent all these years.


End file.
